Its a hard thing when your forced to choose between two ideas that you don’t have a problem with but seem diametrically opposed.

Made a new acquaintance a few weeks ago who is very strong in his voice for gay marriage. Why he added me to his Facebook list, I’ll never know, but it was interesting while it lasted.

He was very angry over Proposition 8 and was always posting things to “educate” me about how he felt and how inappropriate my church’s actions during that election were to him. I realized I walked a very fine line in my conversations with him. He was very black and white about the whole thing. To him, anyone who is homosexual is born that way and no questions otherwise. I could not agree with that since my own experiences with friends said that for some, homosexuality was a response to abuse. He also believed that it was wrong for churches to take any stand on a political issue. Churches can’t endorse a candidate, but they can take action on issues being voted on.

Its a hard thing to make someone understand something they don’t want to. For him, it was all about being denied a right. For me, it was a split between my religious views on marriage and a struggle for security by the homosexual community. I don’t have a problem with gay marriage actually. Let people marry as they want. I know many gay couples who are some of the most dedicated and wonderful people of my acquaintance. If it gives them the security they don’t think they have I don’t have a problem with that. However, I also believe that we are born male and female and that our gender is not a mistake.

I also don’t see same gender attraction as any different than any other challenge that we humans go through in this mortal journey we go on. The Lord has asked that those who want to follow him abstain from intimate relationships unless they are married as man and woman. That line is also black and white for me. That means the rest of us need to not give in to those desires. Something I struggle with, dealing with the libido issues I have. Same gender attraction does not give someone free reign to ignore the celestial laws I believe in.

Now, if someone doesn’t believe in those laws, sure, they aren’t going to follow them, but to try and get me to renounce them while calling me a bigot if I don’t is not okay. You can’t scream for respect while name calling. It doesn’t work that way. My FB friend actually called me out by name on his wall to join with him in fighting against my church’s actions. Yeah.. couldn’t do that. I gave him a very long response on why I couldn’t do what he wanted and he blasted me, starting posting a bunch of anti Mormon material and then removed me from his friend list.

Most states have laws that protect someone no matter their sexual preference. Most business have insurance that provide for domestic partnerships. Not all, but its changing. And those laws aren’t what get the religious up and voting. Your dealing with a fundamental belief of what being married means and what its consequences are eternally and that isn’t something people can just ignore.

I’ve seen several articles now about people comparing the current issue to women’s suffrage. I can understand why some are making that comparison and I know that its only a matter of time before the states have laws on their books that allow same sex marriage. Which as I’ve said before isn’t a big deal to me.

What is a big deal is hoping that in this struggle, people don’t cross the freedom of religion line. And you know there are extreme groups that will try and force religions to perform those ordinances. Some won’t and some will. Its up to them but if they try to force it. It spells trouble for all of us. I don’t think most Americans really understand how precious and rare our freedoms in this country are. We don’t have a state run religion so that everyone can follow their own conscience. We allow people to scream in their loudest voice about an issue that you may scream in your loudest voice in direct opposition to. We can provide for our own protection and a host of other “rights” that are on the chopping block if we let even one of our constitutional rights be violated.

That is what really worries me. I’ve mentioned before on here that I’ve been watching the religious and homosexual communities be abused and controlled by fear and rhetoric. And if we are not careful, it could break the Bill of Rights. Then the fragile peace we have in this country would go up in flames like we see in the middle east. Its a delicate line our Founding Father’s understood and they tried to balance our government to protect it as much as they could. But its out of wack, The three branches of government are no longer balanced and people are too busy screaming about selfish things to pay attention.

So I stand split in the middle. I really do hope that an answer is found that satisfies the gay marriage issue and doesn’t violate the right of religions to not be willing to perform them. As it is, you can’t object to it as a business without getting severely fined. As a wedding DJ, I don’t have a problem with doing gay events, but there are others who do and they have been fined thousands of dollars for not wanting to take part in those activities. We’re such a revenge culture now that I just don’t see this going well.

Had an interesting discussion the other day with the two Jehovah Witness ladies who have been coming to my door for over a year. It started with my son whose friend joined that church. It got a discussion going between them and I accepted the magazines so that A and I could discuss what he was being told by his friend, what we were reading and what we believed. I should have stopped it months ago but they are nice and I let them come and talk to me.

This time though the article they wanted to have me read was about suffering and why God allows it. Basic upshot is that they believe God didn’t want us to live in this terrestrial world and I believe that he did. From the JW perspective, leaving the Garden was not what was supposed to happen. To the Mormon perspective, it was the plan for us to leave the Garden and get mortality started. And most of this difference of opinion is based on our church’s individual understandings of the Atonement and why we needed a savior in the first place.

But that’s for another discussion.. And you can read my link about Adam and the atonement on the side bar for an overview about it. But what got me and the two ladies disagreeing was the point of choices. My theology calls it agency. The absolute right you have to make your own choices based on the knowledge that you possess. What you don’t have control of, as we all know, are the consequences of said choices. Some choices increase the options you have, and others take them away.

People like to complain that if God wanted to, he could make all the hurting stop and he is negligent for not doing so. This presumes a couple of facts. 1) that God imagined us all up, 2) and that there is no real point for what we experience here. And I can understand that if you have that idea of God. It doesn’t make much sense to imagine up people you know your gonna have to damn anyway. Strike one against the “God is Love” idea. And if we’re just made up, then why not imagine us up in a way that means we’re good all the time. Strike two. It becomes clear that God must have a reason for doing what he’s doing since those two basic ideas obviously don’t work.

I don’t think most people really understand how precious the gift of agency is. You are a unique, independent entity. From the Mormon perspective, agency is the most precious gift that God upholds for you. That’s right, he defends your right to choose. But in that defense, that means that ALL choices have to be allowed to be exercised. And with all choices, comes all consequences. Good and bad. You can’t have some of your agency. You can’t have a God that picks and chooses when its convenient when its okay to make choices or not. You either can make your own choices and learn at your pace, or you can’t make choices and your a slave.

Agency or Slavery.. you can’t have it both ways. Now, you can make choices that make you a slave.. such as starting a drug habit, getting into debt.. but those are consequences of your choice. Sometimes others choices are forced on us. A 9 year old girl who while staying at a family friends house while the parents were out of state on a trip, is molested by the father of said family. She doesn’t choose that. But she can choose how she deals with it. Thanks to wonderful parents and some serious study of the Atonement, I was able to put that experience in its proper place. Took me 20 years to do it, but it taught me one hell of a life lesson, one that I am thankful I have.

Now some will argue that God knows all. So God could have stopped all this. The fact that He hasn’t should give you pause for thought. Knowing that this would be difficult. Knowing that great evil would be inflicted. Makes you wonder what is up. That’s where the Atonement kicks in. A process that evens the score and balances the playing field. As my theology sees it, you are an independent entity that God is raising from an intelligence in the universe to a resurrected, eternal being. A person who will then move on to do whatever else we have coming in our very long lives. We’re given an idea of what we are working towards, but not a whole lots of specifics other than a brief outline. A reason, if you will. A WHY to why God defends and protects your agency.

Your power to choose is not a fluke. And its not some whim of a bored deity that can’t relate to life. And its applied in the same manner as we give our children as they struggle through life. You give some basic rules to minimize the damage, but ultimately you can only let them strike out on their own to see what choices they make and whose lives they touch. Ready to give a hug when they ask for one.

I want to wish my brother Taylor a Happy Birthday. He’s 31 today…

Seems odd to say that since I think of my siblings as little kids. One of the consequences from not being near them while they grew up into adults.

The other birthday is Tadpole’s baby sister was born to his Dad and StepMom. Little Emily decided to show up in the middle of the night. So congrats to them on their second child.

I hate lists. I realize they help keep people organized but they make me feel chained and trapped. I just hate them.

However, its a sad realization that if I don’t start making them, I’m forgetting too much. I may only be working my DJ business now, but I have so much to do, that I’ve been forgetting things for the first time since I started this. Its great that I”m that busy…. but..

I hate lists.

When most people think of a Mormon woman they think of big families, scrap booking, stay at home families, picture perfect gardens, homes decorated to perfection and the everyday goodness of whatever fantasy life you’ve got in your own head.

And there are the very lucky few who get to live that life. Then there’s the rest of us who have to work jobs, sometimes more than one, we’ve dealt with divorce or death, our kids are not perfectly happy. We may not have large families or live near our families. We may struggle with various aspects of our religion and sometimes we win and sometimes we don’t.

I enjoy being a mobile DJ, I enjoy being part of the IPRG which is a paranormal research group. I enjoy my kids even though I sometimes have a hard time coping with them on my own. I’m still struggling to get back on my feet with my health and just plain motivation and energy after dealing with the cancer surgeries and all the touch up corrective stuff I’m still doing. My home looks like a tornado hit it because I don’t have good organizational skills and forget decorating…somehow that ability skipped me and went to my sisters. I have no natural skill in that area at all. The only family that lives around me are the fathers of my children and I don’t really like relying on them, although I do often.

I get discouraged and overwhelmed. I sometimes forget to pray or read my scriptures. I never forget that Heavenly Father loves me but I sometimes feel jealous that I’m without a partner in my life these last seven years as I watch my best friends find good men and have someone to hold hands with while they go through life’s struggles.

I was looking back on this blog that started shortly before my divorce and there is a lot of pain here. I have a hard time blogging everyday simply because I feel like a broken record. Almost like I’ve stopped or am stuck. I know how to overcome that feeling but its like I”m almost not brave enough to look forward yet.

I want this blog to be uplifting and make people smile, but its hard to write that when you can’t. My daughter struggles with finding how to be happy and its hard to help her when I struggle with it myself.

I took part in a very successful bridal show last weekend and trying to process all the leads I got has been insane. I’ve also been trying to review some recordings for EVPs and Tadpole was running a 102 temperature all week. On Thursday, what should have been just getting steroid shots for my arm turned into also cutting my mouth some more as they shape and refine my skin flap. So my jaw hurts. After I was done on Friday, the EVP’s done, Tadpole’s temperature started showing signs of dropping, I turned off my cell phone, shut down my computer and vegged all day Saturday. I was wiped and low on any energy.

So now I face a new week, still feeling low on energy and motivation, but as I look onto the new week I know that my job at USbank is ending and I’m moving into new territory. What that means I have no idea. And I wonder… How brave am I?

So I get a call from a company claiming to be a collection agency saying that I owe 400.00+ for some loan I took out in July from a online loan company. And that if I don’t agree to pay, they will take me to court. Either, I’m being bullied and scammed, or I’m the victim of identity theft. Either way, not good. Good thing I’m a fraud banker at work. I know what I need to do. The “collection agency” didn’t like hearing that I had received no deposits and if they took me to court I had my banking documents to prove I had received no money. Now I have to go see if there are really other accts open in my name.

I have many acquaintances of many persuasions. Its been interesting to me to watch the differing opinions as we watch and see how Prop. 8 is handled. You have extremists on every side who are trying to demonize the other. You have the people who just don’t care and don’t see how its going to affect them. You have the politicians in both camps rubbing their hands in greed as they fight over the power to control our choices. You have the people for whom this is an emotional issue.

And through it all, nobody is treating each other with respect.

I watched almost ten years ago now, as homosexual friends of mine started to become fearful that their rights as ordinary citizens were going to be taken away. They were getting worked up as if we were heading back to the early part of the last century when you could still be fired, kicked out of your home and killed for being homosexual. As they talked, discussed and allowed unreasonable fear rule the idea was brought up that through marriage could the community gain the respect and protection such a validation could provide. As if by gaining the ability to marry, they could be protected from losing their homes and jobs and even their very lives.

Now the silly thing was that they weren’t in any danger of these things. It was rumor and fear running rampant. And the nutjobs in both camps were running off at the mouth, stirring the pot. I watched as the rhetoric was allowed to get out of hand, this side accusing that side of this and that side accusing this side of that. And I watched a President cash in on fear and nonsense to motivate people to vote, which put things in his favor for re-election. I watched in disgust as Washinton D.C gloated in pleasure over making people knee jerk react in the voting booth. I saw two groups of people manipulated.

And it hasn’t ended there.

Watching what is going on in California has been sometimes disgusting and sometimes bewildering. Being LDS, I get some heated comments my way but while people are trying to demonize my church in California, they overlook that for us, its not about who is better than who. Its the law of Chasity for us. Anyone who is outside the bonds of husband and wife marriage has to abstain from sexual relations. Doesn’t matter if your gay or straight. I know that often you’ll see Christians who will bring up how homosexuality was a punishable sin by stoning. They don’t bother to add that any type of sex outside of marriage was treated the same way. If you had an affair, if you were sleeping with your girlfriend or boyfriend or an animal.. you got to die too. I bet you anything most of those idiots shouting absurdities in protest of gay marriage has broken one of these rules.

Personally, I don’t have a problem with gay marriage. I know several gay couples who are raising children and they are providing stable homes for their kids. They work hard at it. Its not an easy choice for them to have kids in the first place and they don’t take it lightly. And I’ve never met a child of gay parents who also chose to be gay. So you can’t throw those arguments at me, it doesn’t hold water. My opposition is purely theological at this time.

I do have a problem with pop culture telling us what we should be doing. Its currently “fashionable” to be bisexual. I’ve had people look at me weird because I haven’t kissed another woman. Sorry. I have no interest and feel no lack for never having done so. There is no curiosity, but I’ve had people look at me as if there is something wrong with me because I haven’t experimented. As if I”m supposed to right? I have a problem with a bunch of middle school children who have no idea about human relationships telling my daughter she’s really gay because she’s mad at men because of events in her young life up to that point. Being angry at men doesn’t make you gay, but these little twits don’t know any better. And the schools aren’t helping. They’ve had their arms twisted and tied in knots. Pop culture has no clue.. because right now its fashionable to be gay. Whether you are or aren’t. I have a friend who was raped by her father for years. She likes to spout off every so often that she was born gay, I had to pull her aside and tell her to stop doing that when I was around. I wasn’t about to tell a room full of people she was raped by her father. But we can easily see why she spurned the touch or company of men.

Some, are clearly born with those feelings. And its tricky to navigate how best to handle all these different elements. But there are two things that are sure. Its going to take a lot of work and there are plenty of people wanting to abuse this issue for political power.

I think its just a matter of time before its legal. But I have some concerns. If its passed as a legal form of marriage. Does that mean the schools have to teach homosexuality as a lifestyle choice? There are already pamphlets everywhere supporting it. Of course, do you see any pamphlets supporting making a different choice? Nope. No wonder kids don’t know which side is up and what it really means when your homosexual or heterosexual. There is not nearly as much taught about how to have healthy relationships in our schools. The attitude of supporting kids in their teenage sexual relationships only leads to kids being exposed to STD’s, pregnancy and disillusionment by bad experiences. There is very little protecting them or showing them what are all their choices. If you teach one type of relationship style.. are you going to teach them all? Equally?

And what about freedom of religion? If gay marriage is legalized will the extremists in that camp try to force all religions to perform those marriages? Or will they let it go and let the different religions follow their own conscience? I don’t think they will let bygones be bygones.

I think we have a very ugly legal battle on the horizon. I know people like to blame Prop. 8 on us Mormons, but there are less than 2% of registered voters who are LDS in California. Clearly it wasn’t just the Mormons who were voting. But it seems to be the Mormons getting all the backlash. I’ve seen both religious and homosexual communities say terrible things to each other. For some, there is no “agree to disagree” And all that name calling isn’t going to warm up the general public who will weigh in on this.

I can’t help but feel there has to be a solution to this. But for the life of me, I can’t see what it is. I worry about the pandora’s box we’re about to open.

Mom is in the hospital because she has a possible ulcer and her body has stopped producing blood. Most likely caused from dehydration. They are pumping her full of blood and saline to try and hydrate her body hoping it starts producing blood again. Then they have to check to see if any damage has resulted.

I teased Mom that she was just jealous of all the attention I was getting. Made her laugh. I feel like crying.

Well we’re getting to the end of this cancer run. I’ve finally gotten off all the drugs so no more withdrawal headaches. I had to have a CT scan and a MRI and both came back negative but they ordered me a PT scan. Of course, I have to go to the Nuclear Medicine Dept to take this test… that makes me go “ummm”. They are trying to make sure that my headache and nerve issues aren’t complications to the surgery. In October I get to have the arm and my skin flap adjusted to better shapes. But that should be the last of anything big I’ll be having done. The Keloid scaring has become so bad that they are basically going to scrap off the scar and load me to steroids to stop the skin from making more. But the good thing is that the bump on the back of my wrist will go away. YaY!

We’ve started packing up A’s things separating those things that he will take with him to his new apartment and those things I’ll lovingly hold onto as reminders of my child.

He’s a child no longer. I feel split. I’m sorry to see my child go. Feeling a little bit of hurt that he’s so eager to leave home. Yet, I’m excited to see him go have this adventure. He’s sacrificed a lot to help me as a single mom and now he has the right to his own life and his own adventure. He gets the chance to go 3 hours away for school which is far enough to have his own life free of parental interference, but close enough for rescue if there is a problem.

As he gets ready to move out I’m hyper aware of all those things I haven’t yet taught him. Did I teach him enough? In a way, having to be the oldest while I worked graves and nights may have been a blessing, he’s had to take care of things on his own and maybe that is the best teacher there could be.

There is excitement for his sake, and wistfulness for mine.