I sit here and realize that I don’t feel a whole lot right now. We hear that there are stages to grief, and whatever stage is being numb is where I’m at, and I’m amazed at where I am in this situation emotionally.

I’m reconciled to where my life is going. I accept the choices my husband is making. I don’t feel anger at the lies and deceptions that have made up my life. And I don’t regret that I have lived this life for the last twelve years. While I have disappointment, I find that I love my family best, and that includes my soon to be ex-husband.

I find that while there is an excitement about having the freedom to date, I’m not looking forward to finding people to date. There are so many losers out there, and since I’m not going to be sleeping with anyone, my dates will be few and far between. But that’s ok, I have this “been there done that” view of it. I’d rather have a good chat with a bud who stimulates my brain then get taken out to a romantic local. While I have fantasies about being whisked off my feet, those are just fantasies every little girl carries with her but they are only fantasies. I can live in my head with the best of them, after all I wanted to be an actress. Pretend was my life back as a child, but I’ve got too many things I have to be to allow that to take over anymore. Kind of boring really. *chuckle*

I find myself feeling like a plane up in the sky in a holding pattern around an airport. Wings and potential to do anything, but waiting until the ok is given to actually do anything. I have several chat friends who sit there and blithely tell me I should “take care of me first”, and there is some truth to that, but I have too many responsibilities to just let go and be selfish. Too many things that are important to me far beyond my selfish whims. Maybe I am like my profile and am “rule bound” but those are rules and responsibilities I choose for myself.

I find as I sit here writing all this nonsense down that I am starting to feel better. Getting this out of my head and down somewhere is very refreshing. It also allows one to let go and get rid of crappy emotions that just slow you down. I’ve felt numb for awhile now, but then I’ve had alot of shocks the last few weeks, and since I don’t really have any real life confidants to talk to , this journal has to fill in. I don’t really mind that I don’t have alot of friends to talk to, you can’t really miss what you’ve never had, but it would be nice to have someone I felt comfortable talking to, and not someone you know is going to turn what you say and misinterpret it. (I get sooo tired of that) oh well, not all of us get to have a bevy of admiring friends to surround ourselves with. *grin*

I call this journal Ball and Chain for good reason I think. My life appears to be very structured and surrounded by mounting levels of responsibility. I’m hoping that once I get going with school and can stop babysitting my life will relax a bit and open up. Church responsibilities are still heavy, but I enjoy them. Of course we have alot of single church members in the area, so I expect some decent dating potential from that area, and while I want to be married again, I don’t want to be married right away. I need to be on my own for awhile. Get my head cleared and my heart healed so that whomever I do spend my life with is not some rebound geek, but someone who I want to be with, and who wants to be with me. I told Karel that I’m not getting married again until some caveman clubs me over the head and drags me back to his cave. *laughter* And I think it’s going to take that to get my attention. But whatever happens, I will still keep growing and learning and becoming a better person. That’s the whole point of this exercise in the first place.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, July 22nd, 2003 at 2:56 pm and is filed under Life. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.