GED and Weddings
This morning I finally got into the orientation for the GED test, which meant two hours of filling in really tiresome paperwork, showing my ID and paying for the test. I’m planning on taking the tests on Monday. They only do them on Monday and Wednesday, 10am to 6pm. A test every two hours. Since I do not have alot of time I’m going to try and take all five on one day. I know, insane. The first four don’t worry me at all, it’s all comprehension stuff, not hard, the math is the only one that I’m nervous about and that’s because I’m lousy at math, so I will be studing my math like crazy this weekend. Fortunately it’s the first test of the day, so after that I can relax and just enjoy the rest of the tests. We’ll see if I can pull it off, my babysitter is being wonderful and planning on watching all the kids during that time.
I spent my afternoon running errands and chatting in my favorite chat room, religion 2 on yahoo messenger. One of the most annoying chat clients ever, but I deal with it. The regulars in my room are a riot. We have everyone from satanists, pagans, agnostics, atheists, believers of every denomination and of course the stars of the rooms our dear darling “believe or burn” fundies. “Fundie” is our term for anyone on the extreme of their religion, and that goes for whether you believe or don’t. Although we believers are outnumbered, it’s a great group and since I’ve been there for nearly two years they tolerate me pretty well.
I’ve had a few incidents where someone jumps my beliefs thinking I’m your average “believer or burn” christian, and it makes me feel good to see the regulars jump to my defense. They know I’m Mormon, and while they may think my beliefs are out there, they know I’m not a hypocrite and so when I get jumped unfairly, they jump back. Apparently there was even a troll who came in claiming to be a mormon and made all these stupid statements about what he believed, and because the regulars know what I believe and have an idea of how our belief system works, they jumped him and gave him what for. I was told by several people that I would have been really proud of how they handled the fake.
And after finding out how badly hubby has talked about me to his friends behind my back, it really feels good to know that people out there will stand up for me. This reminds me of when Richard, my friend who was taking that dance class with me and was going to be my masseuse, on sunday asked me if I was avoiding him. I just looked at him and said no, and he replied that I hadn’t been talking to him and he thought maybe I wasn’t talking to him because of the gossip at church. I just looked at him strangly and said no, I’m not avoiding you, we’re still friends. He shrugged his shoulders and said ok and left for home. I stood there with kind of a bizarre look on my face I’m sure. He was the one who dropped the dance class and told me he didn’t want to be my masseuse because he didn’t want to create more potential for gossip at church. So that leaves only choir as the activity we both take part in. You don’t have to do alot of talking about choir, you show up, sing your part and listen to the director, in this case me, tell you what to do. Richard cuts our common activities down and then wonders why we don’t talk as much? Well HELLO? DUH!
I’m surrounded by clueless people I swear!
Anyway, this evening I went to a wedding rehearsal in Sherwood. They have this lovely little hall they call Nottingham’s. Isn’t that just perfect? It’s a great little place, they always have good food and a wonderful staff who works there. We’ve not always gotton along, but I admit that I’ve probably stepped on their toes a few times in making sure an event runs smoothly.
I have a double event this weekend, one on saturday, to which I went to the researsal and then another one on sunday, which I normally don’t work, but I was requested so I’m making an exception.
I’m finding it increasingly harder to watch two people starting their life while mine is falling apart. I’m a complete professional, so no one has a clue that I’m falling apart, but it’s really hard to watch two people vowing to be faithful and true to each other when I didn’t have that in my own life. While I’m able to not be bitter or regretful during the rest of the week, in this one moment it all comes crashing in. I sit there and watch while my heart breaks and wonder if I have the strength to let another person try to touch my heart again. While I’m glad to finally know what the hell was going on in my marriage, while I’m glad to have my self-esteem back, while I’m glad for the person that I am and the convictions that I have, I just have to wonder why in the hell my husband couldn’t have brought his hang-ups to me so we could work on them together without him running from one female to the next,(ok, not quite that extreme, but…) or listening to the deluded perceptions of his early friends who hated me.
So much damage was done in those first few years, how can anyone love their wife after listening to the warped perceptions of the people he hung out with who really condoned the lies and the ranting and the deceptions. I guess my one regret is that we never really had a chance to be the couple we could have been, or get to have the future we could have had.
Oh well, life moves on right?
