Counseling and The Spuds Party and Ravings
Warning: this post has a major rant at the end of it. If your not interested in my whining, please scroll down to the next entry, which is Greyducks PPF, and enjoy.
Today was a rather busy day. It started off with Hubby and I going to go talk to the couselor the kids are seeing so that she could talk to us about being good parents during a divorce. She gave us good some good ideas and told us that our attitude gave her much hope that we’d get the kids through the divorce ok. She went through the stages of loss and the emotions that go with it so we could be prepared not only with what we’re going through but so that we can be aware of what the children are going through.
With my childhood, I’ve had the misfortune to meet many counselors and therapist. Who, so far, were all very disappointing and more interested in their pet theories then in helping their unhappy patient who was failing school because she wouldn’t go to school. They were only interested in hearing about abuse at home then in any actual real problems.
I guess the Field has come along way from the “every child’s problem comes from abuse in the home.” Anyway, the counselor’s name is Theresa and she’s a small little woman who has the most positive, unassuming manner I’ve ever met in a counselor. She does not give off the vibe that she knows more then you. She immediately back up anything positive you tell her and make you feel better about what your doing. She’s incrediably supportive so when she gives advice about something you aren’t made to feel as if your wrong and dumb, but that here’s a little information to help compliment what your already doing. I’m really happy that she’s going to be working with the kids. I feel really good about her and I don’t feel good about very many counselors or therapists that I have met.
Our day ended with Alex’s Birthday Party. We took him to Ultrazone, an excellent lazertag facility. We didn’t have alot of guests, but those who were there had a good time and we had alot of fun beating the other teams in our two games. We had pizza , cake and an excellent time playing arcade games when we weren’t playing lazertag. I LOVE this game. It’s so much fun. I found a good sniper position early on in the first game that allowed me to shoot many opponants before they figured me out and shot back. A great time was had by all. HAPPY BIRTHDAY SPUD, I’M SO PROUD OF YOU!
*MAJOR RAVING TIME*
I have to get this off my chest so I can go on and forget it.
I have an 11 year old boy now. I’m only thirty, I’m sure I’m not old enough for this. There are days when I just don’t feel old enough to have kids. Like I’m pretending or something. I can’t imagine how mom’s who start at 16, like two of my sister’s did, must feel when they turn 30 and the age of their child is 13 or 14.
I have never wanted to be a single mom, and now I’m going to be dating just a couple of years before they start dating. Very tricky path I walk right now, especially since I don’t want any romantic relationships right now, but I need the validation from a male that I’m ok. That I’m worth something, because I certainly don’t feel much right now. I hate feeling alone in the way I think. Which should make some people laugh since there are 11 million people who technically think the way I do, but I’ve never found another person who I’ve connected with in 12 years, unlike my husband who found several of these people over the years. I have people who talk with me, who say encouraging things to me, but it’s not the same. And it’s not enough. I think, despite what people may think, I’m going to be alone for quite some time. And that prospect feels me with both dread and a feeling of “about damn time.”
*rant*
I don’t like to swear. I don’t believe it calms people down, or releases frustration. No one I have ever watch swear calms down, or feels better. They just try to say as many swear words as they can and if they run out, they start making them up, so to say the least I don’t like swearing. I only swear when I’m really, really, really angry or frustrated. It slips out and I catch myself thinking, calm down, this isn’t going to help. And it never does, I never feel better afterwards. So, here’s a clue to you, if you want to know how really angry I am, watch for swear words. And I’ve noticed that I’ve been swearing alot in my writing or in my private speech to myself. Not good!
*end rant*
Anyway, I expect to be essentially alone, at least romantically, for several years. I can’t even imagine what type of guy would be good for me in my situation. And I’m really tired of these incidental crushes I’ve had over the last few weeks as my ego tries to find someone to validate myself as a sexual woman. Which is stupid, dumb and a complete waste of time, because none of the men I’ve had crushes on are the type of guy who would be interested in a marriage that is eternal. And I’m not settling for less then that this time. So between the “not sleeping around this time” rule and the eternal marriage thing. Yup, I think it’s safe to say I’m going to be alone for awhile. Which is fine, I’m not really in the mood to wait for another selfish child to grow up. I had someone ask me about guys in my church, and let me tell you something, while yes, that is who my romantic dating potential will have to come from, I don’t keep a spotlessly clean house, I may have an awesome testimony, but I don’t have the wardrobe that is put together and smart. I may have the strength of testimony that they may be looking for, but I don’t think I measure up in so many other ways. Hell, not even Karel thought highly of me in who I was at home. (Don’t bother arguing, I’ve seen for myself the crap him and his friends said about me.)
Damn, this doesn’t help, this doesn’t make things better, this doesn’t fix anything. All this does is make me angry and frustrated. I’d love to throttle something, some big piece of plyable plastic maybe that I can beat up and let go of all my frustration and hurt. The couselor said that anger comes after the shock and numbness and is the bouncing back mode of dealing with loss. Anger gets you motivated to do something and not linger in pain. If you can get past the anger and not become bitter. Which I’m not becoming bitter, I may be extrememly angry at a few choice people, I don’t judge everyone by them. It really makes me wonder what kind of people think that someone doing this to to their spouse for years on end is ok with it and find ways to justify it. I’m not bitter against men, and as you can see I want to get married again. I liked being married. Despite what my marriage had been, what I thought it had been was pretty good lately and had been steadly getting better over the last four years. I feel more angry at myself that I didn’t see the clues for what they were. I feel like such an idiot. I just accepted what I was told because even though there were things that made me very uncomfortable, every other aspect was holding out truthfully so I applied trust in that area as well.
I’m such a blip, blip, blipping idiot. My story isn’t even origional. I’m not a monster, I’m not a bitch, I’m not some evil, vindictive woman who’s out to make him suffer. I’m not some evil bitch who wanted to escape her mothers house so she got pregnant to the first guy she was comfortable with. I’ve spent 11 years patiently waiting for my husband to realize his family was important. I used to nag, but nagging doesn’t work, and all you can do is be supportive, or at least try, and hope for the best. But you can’t turn your back on what you hold important just to make someone “comfortable.” Eventually you have to hold true to what you believe is right and wrong and you have to take the consequences of holding to that.
And because of that I’m alone. The walls are a little higher, and the crevase is a little deeper. But you know what? I used to blame myself for his unhappiness. Because of the little things he would occasionally complain about, I thought his unhappiness was my fault. But you know what? I’m not at fault. Whatever my problems, I didn’t cause this. His lie caused this. This lie that warped everything about our lives. I have a hard time now looking back at the good times without seeing the falseness of those good times. For example, there is a time in our marriage where I thought we were doing really, really good, only that memory is shattered now because of those e-mails I found from that same time period where mean stuff was said about me. My memories of the good times are now shattered and I can’t trust them. I can’t trust, period. I doubt everything that I’m told. Only time can build trust, and I don’t know if that’s even important to him.
I feel better having gotton this off my chest. Most of this crap is not what I normally feel, but that nasty little corner of myself that just festers. I might be able to let go now, I think I’ve said enough and I hope I can move beyond this ball of misery. I said in a past entry that is was time to let go of childish things and move on. And hopefully this childish foolishness can now rest and I can stop pondering this crap and just deal with what’s coming up in my life. It’s not like my life is all bad either. I mean, he and I are on friendly terms. We’re not trying to play mind games with each other, which I have no respect for people who do that. We’re both genuinly concerned for our kids and their well being, he’s a very hard worker and gives 1500% percent to his work. He can be extrememly dependable and he’s a very nice person. I just think that somewhere along the line he just didn’t know how to deal with what started happening. Didn’t have the skills to deal with it responsibly and maturely. Which he is now trying to do, and I can respect that. As I read this I wonder at the contradictions that are here…I don’t know what to think, or how to feel, but I know what to do. And so does he.
I wish him happiness. I think that there is alot more pain in store for him with the lifestyle he’s chosen, but those are his choices. Hopefully I can avoid more pitfalls in my own life, which will be just as difficult. I hope we can make it through this.
