Friendship and heartache
The last few days have been really busy. School has been taking alot of my time, of course, and I’ve been stressing over bills…oh yeah fun. I’m losing more weight again, but this time it’s not because I’m stressed, but because I’m stressed over my friend.
Breaking up with someone is not easy, especially when you were the one dropped. I went through hell the last five months but with the help of a very loving person, I’ve been able to pull through. Now it’s his turn, and this last week has been hell. He’s finally hit that angry phase of things. We’ve only talked sparingly the last week because he can’t stand being alone in his apartment, which I certainly understand, even if I miss him terribly.
At first I didn’t know what was going on, all I knew was that I was essentially being ignored. I’m used to this, so I picked up on this one quick, but knowing our conversations I figured something had to be up. Sure enough, lonliness and heartache were taking their toll. When they broke up he didn’t let her explain, of course it took her two weeks to be ready to say why she broke up, but by that point he didn’t want to hear it. Now he does, and he needs those answers. He misses her terribly and unfortunately I’m 3000 flipping miles away, so he feels all by himself.
It hurts to see him in pain. I drift between understanding and wanting to shake him and tell him I love him. Which I’ve told him often, but She had him first and his heart is still healing, and I have wait on the outside for this to finish it’s course. Could they get back together? Maybe, depends on why she let him go, but I personally don’t think it would work anyway. They had so many differences, he used to tell me how he never talked to her for the length of time he talks to me. I know, the kind of thing we love to hear, but he’s a chatter box, and he loves to talk, and he craves conversation. But he wants a family so badly, we’ll have to see how this plays out.
Either way, I’m his friend first. I love him very much, but even if everything clicked between us we’re still many many months from being able to be near each other on a permanant basis. That means I have to take a step back and allow not only this to run it’s course but allow life to play it’s part. I have to remember and keep in mind how I felt not too long ago and be understanding. I was reading some of my old journal entries, and I was surprised at how much I held back from them. But I remember very clearly what I was feeling when I wrote each entry. Feelings that match what he says he feels now. I know he’ll get through this, but it’s killing me to watch it, and feel it, knowing that he may try for a reconciliation or he may say “fuck it” and look elsewhere for someone warm who’s close by. And if I’m his friend, and I really love him, I’ll let him. I’m too far away to fight for him, as I would if I were close by. I can only hope our visit together in November goes as wonderfully as I dream it does. I dream again, thanks to him. I fantasize again, thanks to him. I feel smart again thanks to him. He’s amazing, funny, solid, dependable, crazy, intelligent and he’s not afraid to tell you how he thinks it is. I love him for that. He has his flaws…oh my goodness does he have a host of them. Anyone who saw his picture on the Religion 2 page has a good idea of what I’m talking about. But I’m his friend first as he is mine. And that is what is most important.
