I hate nightmares. I really hate nightmares. Especially when they take the uncertianty of your life and use it to kill you.

I woke up at 4 in the morning drenched in sweat feeling as if I was suffocating. My dream, hazy and unfocused, left me feeling apprehensive and irritable.

My whole world feels upside down right now. I’ve been having a problem lately with feeling used and abused and it seems like everyone around me is just keeping me around because I can make them feel better….when THEY need it.

I had someone who I haven’t talked to in awhile, IM me in yahoo and begged me to cyber with them….then when I said no, they came back later and said my senior pictures had done the trick. *great….glad to be of assistance….rolls eyes*

I don’t usually mind being the supportive friend. I love that someone feels that I’m somebody who they can turn to when they need comfort or support or just an ear. But lets return the favor people! I need support too. I need to feel wanted and appreciated also.

And I’m not talking about anyone specific…this is a general call of complaint. The mule is kicking back. I’m feeling used. I have given my heart and care to a number of family and friends and right now it’s feeling broken and alone. I went to bed in tears last night, feeling helpless and hopeless, and I’m sure that’s what generated the nightmare. I know that I’m being emotional with a feeling of angry detachment, but damnit, I can’t be reasonable all the damn time.

I do have feelings, and they are getting tired of always being the brave one. Always taking care of everyone else first.

rip…bang…crash…arrgh…growl…kick…smash…scream.

*chuckle* there, I’ve thrown my tantrum. *chuckles some more*

*sigh*
I’m keeping my eye on the first week of November. For four days I will have my best friend here and I know it’ll be a good week. Right now, it’s the only good thing I’ve got to look forward to. I hold onto that thought as I fight bills, work, school, homework, PTA stuff, church, family, divorce, and my own heart. This emotional rollarcoaster is playing hell with my body and I’m tired of feeling sore all the time. I’m pulled in so many directions that I wonder how in the world I’m ever going to make it. But then that practical part of me, just steps in and says, “one day at a time”. Patience seems to be the call here…but it seems like I’ve had to wait for “something” to happen first before I could do anything.

I would love to be able to run off and just go anywhere…but I’ve always had responsiblities that have held me. Even the hubby gets to go run off and do what he likes. He gets to leave and live his deviant lifestyle and will only be “dad” when he feels like it. He won’t be here everyday, like I will. When you leave you become a part-time parent. That’s the way it is. Your not there for every heartache, argument and parental decision. But that is the choice he’s made and I’m stuck on my own, to be there everyday by myself. But in reality, I’ve been by myself anyway. I’ve been a single mom for a long time.

My sister Amber is a single mom, and doesn’t have even a part time dad around to help her. I’ve been lucky to have at least hubby’s help when I’ve needed it. I mean, that’s one good thing.

Arrrrgh! 6am moanings are never a good thing. But darnit…I’m tired of feeling alone and by myself. I had a friend helping me not feel alone, but he’s got his own issues to deal with as his life also transitions. He’s feeling alone and abandoned too, and I’m just to far away, I guess, to be of any real help. So I’m back to feeling alone and on my own again.

This nightmare has really messed me up today. I have a PTA meeting to run tonight and I need to get myself together. I have math and music today and alot of errands to run.

I had to fix the van yesturday…350 bucks that I didn’t have to make it run right. Aaargh, again! I get to be behind in rent and still possibly lose my van. Yeah, fun.

There are days when I hate being me. I would love to be able to run away. But see dear darling wendi has responsibilites and doesn’t get that luxery. That’s why I’m so looking forward to the four days in November. For four wonderful days I get to play escape. Show my friend around town and not worry about anything, hopefully. I still have to go to school and pick up kids and whatnot…but there is alot of time between those two things. As of 6 o’clock in the morning, that’s my only happy thought.

P.S. *sad chuckle* As I was proof reading this entry on the site, I happened to look at my title. “Tales of the overwhelmed”…*chuckle* I didn’t realize how prophetic that was when I came up with that title.

This entry was posted on Thursday, October 16th, 2003 at 2:56 pm and is filed under Life. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.