Monday Musings
My weekend was fine. I didn’t work this weekend, so I was able to enjoy some time relaxing. Got some housework done which I have been sorely neglecting. Taught my son how to fill the dishwasher. I tend to be a perfectionist about cleaning…and so I hadn’t taught my kids how to do dishes because I like filling the dishwasher a certain way. Yeah, I know. So I finally got realistic and taught him how to fill it. He does pretty good for just learning how.
I think my biggest day however, was Sunday. I was in my Relief Society class,( life application for women type class) and we were talking about being temple worthy. Talking about the covenants that we make, talking about living by those promises, and what the results of living up to our covenants was.
As I sat there, I thought over my behavior over the last five months. And I wasn’t too pleased with what I saw.
There is one area of my life where I am the weakest. And that’s in the area of sexual responsiblity. And when this divorce happened, and I discovered the extent of the lying and betrayal, it left me feeling completely out of touch with my own belief in my own sexual appeal.
I know I’ve talked about how I started having internet crushes. I allowed conversations to become more explicit then I should have ever let them. I allowed these guys to puff up my sagging belief in my own sexual appeal trying to find some confidence in who I was as a woman. The only problem is…these things are empty and without substance. They ultimately hurt those who are involved in them. And I allowed myself to compromise on some of the covenants I made in letting this happen.
I finally woke up to what I was doing to myself and came to the conclusion that this has to stop. I’m not some tease who gets her kicks off of jerking guys around. But I think that is how I have basically been behaving the last few months.
Thanks to my friendship with Frock, I know my worth now as a woman. However, I think I damaged our friendship by allowing our conversations to become more intimate then they should ever have become. While I think we both helped each other boost our flagging moral while we both dealt with being rejected by our respective partners, I don’t think we really did our friendship much good.
Over the last three weeks, Frock has been pulling away from me. I used to have his constant attention for nearly two months, and then whamo, in 24 hours he completely switched on me. It left me in a state of shock that has surprised me with it’s intensity. But when I can get him to talk to me, he talks about feeling abandoned by his financee and that he’s just putting the world at a distance as he gets ready to start a new life with a new job. This I understand, intellectually. Emotionally? I’m not doing so good. Because I allowed our conversations to get more intimate then they should have, I feel very connected to him. Which only hurts because he’s still going through the loss process and you go through times where you wish everyone in the world would go shoot themselves. This means that he’s been basically ignoring me for weeks. I can get a hello, maybe a goodbye, I might get a hug back if I send him one…never does he initiate things anymore…and if I dare tell him I love him…well, the last few times I’ve done that, he’s left and gotton smashed. Now these two things may not be related. However, it’s becoming almost predictable.
The Frock of two months ago drank occasionally but didn’t really ever get drunk. Now he’s been smashed nearly every night. His self-destruction, as he so elegantly puts it, is rough to watch. Especially since I have been basically cut from his supportive framework.
He tells me that he values our friendship and doesn’t want to lose that. That I do not make him uncomfortable. And he hasn’t cancelled our visit in november. I can only hope that he’s just dealing with this transition in his life and isn’t cutting me out, which is how I have been left to feel. Somedays I wonder how in the world that the first person I truely fall in love with after Karel has to be such an opposite person from me in some of his behavior. Yet, intellectually….I love listening to him, I love talking to him, and I love matching wits with him. We have similar goals and similar needs. I NEED his friendship, and I unfortunately, am left feeling abandoned too.
I can’t help thinking that alot of this pain would have been avoided if I had not allowed our conversations to get out of hand and so intimate. If I had not compromised on some of my covenants. I have some repenting to do. As things stand now, I am not temple worthy anymore. And I need to fix that. I need the peace the temple brings and the wisdom and coping ability that regular attendance seems to bring into my life.
I just pray that I can be patient enough for my friend, allow him the healing time he needs, and that I haven’t lost his friendship. We have two weeks to go before he comes and visits. If he doesn’t cancel his trip here, then I’ll know that he still wants to be my friend. He needs to get a break, and my plan is to show him around town, just talk with him and be his friend. Show him the affection I have for him, but not be a tease. I think I need to be a better friend then I have been in the past, and hopefully I can do that.
