Arrgh!
Made another plea for an explaination for three weeks of near silence. I’m definately getting brushed off, however, he says he’s still coming on the 2nd. I’m getting irritated. It’s been three days since my plea for some explanation why he’s just basically not talking to me.
When this started three months ago, he offered to be my confidant while I dealt with my divorce. Then he got dumped two months ago the tables turned. While he told me he loved me I always just kept it in the back of my mind that I was probably the rebound, despite his protests to the contrary. I did fall in love with him, his caring, his wit, his intelligence…I love these things about him. But we always knew that the distance ( 3000 miles) was a BIG problem. So we knew each of us would still be dating and whatnot. But I was lead to believe that despite boyfriends, girlfriends and life, I would always have his care, love, and friendship.
NOPE! That has not been the case. In one fell swoop, I lost my friend. And I don’t even know why. I’ve asked but get vague answers that are not supported by his actions. I know he’s developing crushes on others, I know he’s been rejected at least once. And I feel irritated that he thought he couldn’t talk to me about these things. I’m his friend, and it may be an inconvienance to him now, but I do love him.
You’d think after three weeks of not much feedback I’d just give up. But my years of marriage to GD and dealing with his neglect has made me stubborn. I want him in my life, and I WANT answers. But I also have to face the facts I may not get them. I know he’s hurting and may just be pushing me away. But damnit, I thought he was a little more upright then this. We’ve known each other for quite awhile and everyone who’s known him longer has always had good things to say about him. We used to discuss EVERYTHING! And now I get nothing.
I guess I’m just mad that I lost a good friend I cared about very much. He says he’s coming on Nov. 2nd. But I don’t know what to believe at this point. If he’s not comfortable talking to me now, how in the hell is he going to be comfortable talking to me when we meet face to face?
If he doesn’t want my friendship anymore, he should have just said something. I’m not an ogre or a bitch. I don’t need anyone in my life who doesn’t want to be there…but damnit, you don’t tell someone you will be there for them and then fly the coop without an explaination.
Well, I did get something out of this mess. One, I have a very good idea about my appeal as a woman. I don’t think for one minute this is about me being unattractive, in fact, he taught me just how attractive I am, and recognizing my worth as a woman will be immeasurable. And two, I find my heart is now a little more protected from hurt. I’m not as vulnerable as I was, and that will also serve me well.
Until he gets the gumption to tell me he’s not coming, I’m going to take him at his word that he is. I do know for a fact that he bought a plane ticket nearly six weeks ago, and I know he’s going sailing after he visits with me. So he’s got the plans made. I just wish I knew what was going on.
