Life is bizarre
The title really says it all. Life is bizarre.
I Dj’d a company party tonight…marketing and sales…yup, that means I was surrounded by alot of low class males from 18 to about 25, who could only swear profanities and pretend to be black dudes in nice suits. And there were over a hundred of them. I swear..when these boys get drunk, even I looked good to them. (rolls eyes)
There were a good dozen people there who did have class and were great people. They were fun. Actually the whole group was fun, but getting hit on by ten guys at once was irritating.
I might have enjoyed it more if it was anything other time then now. There’s too much hurt still. I’m mostly over my husband, he no longer has the power to cause me pain. I’m able to handle my Dad’s impending death with patience and understanding. There is not much there to worry about with my Dad. I know where he’s going, I know I’ll see him again, and I know he’s proud and loves me.
However, I can’t seem to get rid of my feelings for Frock.
It’s made worse by the fact that two of my online guy friends decided to let me know how “special” I was to them. Both of these men are very special to me. I love them alot as my friends. But when I contemplate if I could feel more then just friendship type love, I run into a brick wall. Smacked hard up against it actually.
While my heart will allow me to love people as friends. It’s stubbornly refusing to let go of Frock so I can move on. I can almost hear it saying, “We knew magic, We knew contentment. We are not letting that go.” You would think, after what GD has put me through, and what Frock put me through, I would have had enough. And to a point that is true, my heart is on vacation where deeper love is concerned. But damnit, I’m still crying. I’ll burst into tears for no apparent reason. I become meloncoly and depressed. It’s becoming rediculous.
I have two special people who want me as part of their lives, well as far as online friendships can go. And even though they know that I’m still an emotional cripple of sorts, they still love me and want to be my friend. There are days when I swear, soap opera’s can’t make up stories like this. I’ve lost a husband, my best friend, I”m losing my father, and I have a bevy of men who let me know daily what a special woman I am.
But because the person who first made me feel important and special won’t hardly talk to me, IF he talks to me at all, and then when he “dumped” me, was completely callous and unfeeling in how he handled it. And because of the shock to my system that he gave me, I now find myself in stasis. AGAIN! I thought what GD did to me was bad….but what I had with Frock on a friend level was so much more then anything I had experienced, or have experienced. And I find now that an unfortunate comparison is now being made.
I want that magic….and I realize it will never be with Frock. But, my soul now knows what it needs, and the list is now higher then when I first was planning what type of man I need in my life. I feel very sorry for the man who decides he needs me as much….he’s got a very difficult job ahead of him.
Of course, that just means there will not be very many men who’ll even make the effort. Big surprise.
