Sunday
Saturday was spent the entire day waiting by the phone.
Waiting for a phone call…
Waiting for word that my father had finally passed and was at peace.
That call never came.
I spent the day letting my chat friends distract me. Waiting in dread and anticipation…trying to get things lined up so I could go to the funeral. Learning that some airlines, such as Alaska, have bereavement specials, which allow you to purchase a ticket without the time penalty.
So now it’s sunday night…I’m going to be on a plane at 6:30 in the morning for Arizona. It’s 9:25pm now and my father is still with us. My mom says that he’s mostly asleep and when he is awake he’s not clear on details. Apparently he forgot how old I was when they were talking about my flight in. In any case, I will be at my mom’s house in about 15 hours.
I have mixed feelings about whether I want to be there by my father’s side when he goes. It would be alot easier to show up and have him already gone. I’m not doing alot of crying, but every now and then I’ll burst into five minute tears…then I’ll yawn and it’ll be over.
When the tears come, I wonder how in the world I’m strong enough to go through all this. But it doesn’t really matter if I’m strong or not. I’m going through all this loss anyway. I can either succumb or fight. I choose not to succumb to the pain of losing so much.
I have some very good friends who are holding my hand and letting me know they love me. While they are not here to give me the hugs I so need, knowing they care helps in so many ways. My children and Greyduck are also letting me know how much they love me. And in return i’m letting my kids know how much I love them.
I took the kids out to dinner, ice cream and then we rented the movie Willow. Had fun watching it together. I’m going to miss them while I’m down in Arizona.
I will be gone for 10 days. Hopefully I will be posting from Arizona, but I don’t know. I’m still not sure whether I want my dad passed or still here when I get there.
