Over emotional
The last few days have been very emotional for me. But unlike a few months ago where I poured out my soul to this blog, I find myself unable to form the words to write. I’ve tried many times this weekend to put into words how I felt on friday, what I learned saturday and my worry of the last couple of days, but it wasn’t happening.
Today, I feel better. So lets see if I can share my thoughts of the last few days.
On friday MCTV, a local cable station, had their volunteer dinner. It also was their 20th anniversary. Last year, my father won the volunteer of the year award, lovingly called the Gertrude award. This year, because my father was dying, it was his request that I stand in his stead. I used to volunteer there and helped my dad, do alot of people knew me. I knew it was going to be a bittersweet night for me. There were a couple of times while saying hi to people that I felt my heart fill up and my eyes sting a little. However, nothing prepared me for the full room applause that broke out when a picture of my father showed up in their opening video they always do to recap the previous year. I immediately burst into tears. I didn’t stop crying until they invited me up on the stand to speak for my father and to pass the award to this years receipiant. A calmness overcame me and I was able to go up, taking my two kids along, and I thanked everyone for being part of the last years of my fathers life. Not a dry eye was there to be had. Afterwards, I was surrounded by many poeple who hugged me and thanked me and expressed their sorrow at losing my father. My children were relatively patient at the horde who surrounded their mother, they only pestered me a few times about leaving. They both have told me, however, that they want to volunteer there and take the classes, which they are old enough to do.
On a strange note though, I had many people congratulate me on my speaking skills and told me that if and when I get volunteering and if I decide to create my own show, that they would be more then willing to help out on it. I smiled graciously and told them thank you. I couldn’t tell though if they were thinking “like father like daughter” or if it was “If she’s there we get a little of Bernie back”. In either case it was comforting to see how much my father was respected and valued when he passed.
My other concern is wrapped around Dead Marlowe. I get so confused on how to feel about him. Every few weeks we decide to pull back and just be friends, and it’s always done for good reasons. REasons we both agree on. But it always makes us miserable. We’re sad all week. He told me that he didn’t care about anything all week. I know I was feeling dejected all week. We ended up talking saturday. We connected right up and were as close as ever. It was good. However, he was very distracted as he is seeing a doctor this week and was concerned about it.
I’m leary of saying anyone is my match. I don’t want to jinx myself I think. Or create a situation where I’ve built up something that never existed. All this attempted distancing is making me cautious. Not that I wasn’t cautious already. One of the reasons I haven’t been able to talk about this much. I carry him with me all day. I always think how situations would have gone if he’d been there with me. Like on friday, oh how I wished he could have been there for me to pull some strength from.
One of my cautions also comes from the fact that I don’t know how things will work out. It’s a long distance relationship, and while I’m not letting him go anytime soon, I don’t know what he’s wanting to do. I also don’t know what sacrifices he’s willing to make, and I don’t know what sacrifices I’m willing to make. There’s also that niggling doubt that tells you “your not worth anyone’s time or sacrifice”, that doesn’t help. I guess I’m really in wait mode. I know what I’m striving for…it’ll just depend on who decides they want to be part of that. But I think deep down, I don’t believe anyone will want to be.
