Last night I had dinner with Brook. We had a good time. He’s a very good cook. We talked about movies and various things and then he showed me the photography portfolio he’s building. I liked his pictures very much. There were several that touched me very deeply. Pictures that seemed as if they had been pulled from moments of my life in the last 12 months. This of course sent me through memory lane and then I realized that it was Rose Festival and this would mark the one year for my seperation from Greyduck.

So much has happened in the last 12 months. I can’t hardly believe it. There have been so many losses. There were the three months from Nov. to January where I spiraled into such despair. It took the care of two wonderful friends to pull me out. I owe them so much. And in an ironic twist, those two people have faded into the background, not really having much to do with me anymore. While still good friends, our lives have gone in different directions.

I look back on this year of pain, and see a level of strength building. I’m in no way able to really stand on my own. I see that as I look back on things. But I must get that way. I have a long way to go, but I think I’m actually awake now. With DM taking a step out of being a major part of my life, I stand alone again. There are a few people who would happily fill that role if I let them. But I don’t think so. I enjoy their friendship but I realize that I’m ready to not have a serious relationship in my life right now. I have other priorities that can finally take some precedence in my life.

I still feel alone and empty, but my attempts to fill that this last year have, of course, been pathetic. I’ve met some wonderful people along the way and have some friendships that will always hold places in my heart. I’ve done some things that I hold in contempt and will never do again. But in all the good and bad, the smiles and pain, I’ve gained. I’ve got some good lessons under my belt and I’m getting better. I still have a long long way to go, as my discussions with Brook point out. But I think I can really look at them now. Not hide from them like I was doing.

Looking back at the last year’s of posts I see one of these entries every so often and I have to laugh. Every time I say, “I’m on my feet now”, something happens and trips me up again. Hopefully I haven’t jinxed myself this time by posting this. *chuckles*

But there are some major differences this time around. This time I know what I’m going to do with my life. I have definate goals, which will help. NOw if only I could get my relationship goals as firmly set.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, June 9th, 2004 at 11:01 am and is filed under Life. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.