Wistful
When I was working this weekend, I had nothing to do but think. I basically had hours and hours of think time and much of it would be stirred by the music I would play. I pondered over my currant situation, how I hadn’t heard from the one person who held my heart. Who I get the feeling doesn’t want it anymore. That made me ponder where I am, how I got here and of course where I want to go.
As I listened to that music I realized that no matter what, I want someone in my life. But I also realized that there is no way I’m going to settle for just anyone in my life. As I come to grips with all that I am and can do, I realize that I need and want a partner. I have some friends who get all up in arms over me “needing” a man. They think I shouldn’t “need” anyone. A real woman can do it all on her own.
That’s complete bullshit to me.
Why would any woman want to do it all on her own is beyond me. I can understand having to do it on your own because you haven’t found anyone to depend on. That’s completely different. That is “I have no choice”. I also think alot of women tell themselves this to shield themselves from the hard truth that there are not alot of decent guys out there. But for me, I want someone to support me. I’m very capable.I am very strong. I can do it all on my own. I choose however not to want to. I want someone I can go to when I’m troubled and know that they love me and that it’s okay. I want to know that I’m not standing alone when I deal with everyone who doesn’t really like me anyway. I want to know that when I’m tired and depressed and need help, I can turn to someone. Right now…I have no one to turn to. I used to have that…or at least thought I did…and it made a huge difference. I want that back. After this weekend, I don’t want to do it alone…I hate it. I feel dead inside, like I’m pulling all this weight and there is no relief in sight.
I’m not running into the first pair of arms that open wide. I guess I should consider myself lucky that my first two major romances happened online. Can’t screw up too many things when you can’t be in contact with said person. My heart has learned it’s lesson though and it faces each experience and person with some serious scepticism. I again feel sorry for the guy who decides he wants me. However…
I heard Shania Twain’s “The Woman in Me” several times this last weekend. And I think it fits my state of mind really well. I wish I had someone to dedicate it to, but I don’t. So consider it wishful thinking on my part…for whomever decides they want that spot.
The Woman in Me by Shania Twain
I’m not always strong
And sometimes I’m even wrong
But I win when I choose
And I can’t stand to lose
But I can’t always be
The rock that you see
When the nights get too long
And I just can’t go on
Chorus:
The woman in me
Needs you to be
The man in my arms
To hold tenderly
‘Cause I’m a woman in love
And it’s you I run to
Yeah the woman in me
Needs the man in you
When the world wants too much
And it feels cold and out of touch
It’s a beautiful place
When you kiss my face
(Repeat Chorus)
Yeah the woman in me
Needs the man in you
July 22nd, 2004 at 4:38 am
It sounds like you need a confidante/support system – and I don’t think that necessarily needs to be a man. Are there people or a group that you can turn to in your church for support?
I’m just worried that you will end up turning to the first guy who shows you interest just because you need someone to confide in. I think you were wise to have your dating moratorium while you sort things out in your life. It is scary sometimes being alone and only having yourself to depend on – but I think if you expand your circle past just a romantic relationship to friends, you’ll find a lot of people who are ready, willing and able to support you.
July 22nd, 2004 at 10:08 am
I do have a good group of friends who keep an eye out for me. And I’m too cynical to just jump into any guys arms who doesn’t meet a very stiff set of requirements. I did that with Frock and learned some valuable lessons. I don’t have myself isolated like I did when I was married. However, that doesn’t invalidate that fact that I want a guy in my life. I see a man and woman as two parts to a whole piece. And I want that partnership. I’m willing to be alone if I have to be, but I am at least honest enough with myself to recognize that I want a man in my life. A good one, not just one who comes along. That’s why I said I feel sorry for the guy who decides he wants me….he has to earn me, even DM had to earn me…which he hadn’t done before he stepped away. I will not settle this time around…there is too much to lose if I screw up in my choice of my next partner.
July 22nd, 2004 at 11:07 am
Bridget,
Speaking as one of Wendi’s friends, and a male who has even been out on a couple “dates” with her, I think I can defend her assertions that she wants a man in her life but he had better be the right one.
What I also may need to remember to point out to Wendi either here or in person, is that she a.) is a much stronger and more independant woman that even she may realize, and b.) that realizing this, she should possibly open up a little more and just trust her instincts. From my impression, what Wendi knows best, is that Wendi will know when it is right. Now all she has to do is trust her and not worry about what might be earned. I know I trust her judgement.
July 22nd, 2004 at 1:49 pm
wow….thanks for the confidence in me. Hugs.
July 23rd, 2004 at 10:22 pm
The difference between “needing” in a bad way (which is co-dependence) and “needing” in a good way (which is inter-dependence) is whether it’s a positive force in both your lives. There is nothing wrong with having someone else be strong for you, as long as you know you *can* be strong for yourself when it’s necessary. I do wish you all the best in your search.