Website Alert
You’ve heard all the new terminology for what Men can be nowadays…Metrosexuals, etc. Well now we have a new term for you…Retrosexual. The site is called Frizzen Sparks and is designed to give the normal male some good advice as he wades through all the new Do’s and Don’ts for modern man.
Here is just a taste of some of Graumagus’s take on what makes a true Retrosexual…
Ok folks, I have had it. I’ve taken all I can stands and I can’t stands no more.
Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate men redecortaing houses, talking about foreign concepts like “style”, and “fixing” guys like myself. (If you haven’t read it yet, go NOW and read Kim du Toit’s “Pussification of the western male” essay.)
Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your ass, belch, and yell “ENOUGH!”
I hearby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture wars, the Retrosexual
movement. (I googled “retrosexual” and got a few references, but I hearby officially steal the phrase. Mweh!)
A Retrosexual, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE GODDAMN DATE.
A Retrosexual opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit that term only because they are female.
A Retrosexual DEALS with shit. Be it a flat tire, break-in into your home, or a natural disaster, you FUCKING DEAL WITH IT.
A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.
A Retrosexual doesn’t worry about living to be 90. It’s not how long you live, but how well. If you’re 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I salute you.
A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an endcap (possibly 2 endcaps if you include shaving goods.)
A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he’s 30 years old (Yes, Contagion, I’m lookin’ at you)
A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be. This falls under the “dealing with shit” portion of The Code.
A Retrosexual watches no TV show with “Queer” in the title.
A Retrosexual does not let neighbors fuck up rooms in his house on national TV.
A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for poontang. Some is inevitable, but major re-invention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a froo-froo little puss, and in the long run, she ain’t worth it.
A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak treechipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn’t pay you enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH SHIT. When you fucked up, he DEALT with you. Buck up pussy.
A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey.
A Retrosexual knows how to tie a fucking windsor knot when wearing a tie (There, Contagion, that made up for the Hot Topic crack)
A Retrosexual does not strip naked, get into a sweat lodge, and bang on drums to bond with other guys. That shit is gay.
However dressing in kilts, banging on drums around a campfire, and drinking heavily is just fine.
A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting. (If not, he can borrow some from my friend Daniel, who has enough
wound stories to last for 3 lifetimes)
A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can’t hammer a damn nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.
This is just a taste of all the delicious and hilarious goodness courtesy of Graumagus. Take a peek at the rest of the site and enjoy yourselves.
July 23rd, 2004 at 10:25 pm
Retrosexuals are damned nifty…just make sure he’s actually not a “good ol’ boy” with a mask on, who doesn’t actually respect women. A retrosexual knows women are just as strong & capable as men, if not always in the same ways.
July 23rd, 2004 at 10:28 pm
Agreed…that is a big difference.
July 27th, 2004 at 9:42 pm
hee … retrosexual. That’s just a fun word and I want to star using it!!
July 28th, 2004 at 5:14 pm
Holy crap! Somebody actually gave the author credit! *faints*
Actually frizzen sparks isn’t *just* about how to be a retrosexual. It just happens that retrosexuals are the majority of the people that comment there LOL.
July 28th, 2004 at 6:24 pm
LOL, It wasn’t until after I wrote the entry that I figured out the rest of the website. That’s why I provide two links, one to the retrosexual goodness and one to his main page. He’s incredibly funny and I love reading him.