Tumbling Thoughts
I have been so out of it lately. It doesn’t help that it’s been too hot to sleep, only to fall asleep exhaustedly and sleep all morning. So my sleep schedule is ALL messed up. I feel like a walking zombie. My sleeping pattern also has been screwed up by the fact that I’ve spent the last two weekends working outside in the sun lugging Dj equipment everywhere, so I’ve had dehydration issues to recover from.
The other part of all this is a new guy who’s making himself known. He works in a hospital in the evenings so we often don’t talk until he gets home at midnight. I’ve been up anyway with my sleeping pattern screwed up and that’s how we ran into each other. He’s Mormon, which is a switch to me. He’s the first active one who’s shown an interest in talking to me. What is also interesting is that he origionally checked me out back in February or January and we chatted a bit then but nothing happened, more of a hi/bye thing. But for whatever reason, we’re talking now.
On sunday we talked about the lessons we had in church that day. It was really cool. My church has standard manuels that come out every year. Every ward around the world gets them and everyone is on the same lesson scedule. It’s really cool. No matter where you go, you know your going to be basically on the same page in your classes as everyone else.
I really liked being able to talk about church and what happened and about what I learned. I’ve really really missed having that since my dad got sick. We can also joke about Mormon lifestyle quirks that we both enjoy or have fun with. It’s nice to be able to talk about this part of my life with someone who is also going through it.
He’s incredibly easy to talk to, much the same way as DM and I were. There are times when BG (new guy) will do or say something that is so like DM that I’ll be taken back. Then my heart will twinge for DM and my head will then jump in with the arguement that he hasn’t talked to me in three weeks. Didn’t call me for my birthday, hasn’t sent a note, hasn’t done anything to let me know he’s alive. And that I should move on now and that there is this really neat guy who’s got an interest in me and that I’d be an idiot to miss out on it.
I just have to shake my head. I really do know what I want in my life. And I just watch this parade of guys come through my life. Just letting things take their course, seeing who stays and who goes, and who will decide to make a life with me. As bizarre as it seems to me, who grew up being either the most teased kid or hte most ignored kid in school, guys seem to like me now. This sounds like bragging but I always have a few guys trying to talk to me at any time. Some leave and new ones take their places. I sometimes get irritated when I need a break, and I’ll disappear for a day or two. I have my moments when I totally love the attention. But then I have more moments when I wonder what has changed to make me so likeable now. Whatever the reason, I’m determined to just enjoy the attention.
My kids will be going to Arizona here shortly and then I’ll have a month of time to be on my own. Do whatever I want to do. I’m looking forward to being on my own for awhile. I plan on getting my workout schedule restarted. I took the kids to Mult. Falls yesturday…I got about half a mile up the trail and had to stop because my little old heart was beating to fast. How pathetic is that? I told the kids that I’d get in better shape while they were gone and then take them up the whole trail.
I’m sitting here listening to birds chirp outside my window. We have a nest right over our porch, my thoughts are tumbling around much like the way these birds are chirping, jumping from one idea to the next. I need to let go of DM, get that man out of my heart and mind…but that’s not so easy to do when you don’t know why they disappeared on you. I swear, I’d be happy with a “F*** You and never talk to me again” at this point. At least I wouldn’t be left wondering.
