A month ago, I was complaining of having done something royally stupid while visiting my friend BG up in Bellingham. That something stupid led me to need to see the doctor yesturday and confirm what I had been suspecting for a week.

I am pregnant and due in mid-may.

As if the missing period, breast enlargement, hair loss and intense sleeping weren’t big enough clues.

I, of course, told BG as soon as I suspected and the home pregnancy test confirmed. He’s been in a bit of shock. I’ve told the kids and those others who needed to know.

I had a long talk with my bishop on Sunday. That was a good day. I had been sitting there the previous week beating my head for why in the world I’ve let myself get into this situation for the second time in my life. Despite the fact that I had sworn to myself that I wouldn’t sabatage my choices by letting sex rule my life. Well, on sunday during our main service, the last speaker was talking about something and then stopped and said, “I don’t know why I have to talk about this, it has nothing to do with my talk, but I felt compelled to say this” He then goes on to talk about fear and not being afraid. And it really didn’t have anything to do with the rest of his talk and after a few minutes he apologized for interrupting his talk and continued on.

I was stunned. It was like he’d been answering all the exact questions i had been asking of myself and God. I realized that fear was playing a direct part in all this and I immediately afterwards went up to my friend and thanked him for listening to the promptings of the spirit. I then went and talked to my bishop and things are in a little more control now. At least for me emotionally.

I can’t say the same for everyone else. This little basket of goodies affects a whole bunch of people. It’s ironic that the only time I have sex this last year gets me pregnant. But the flip side is that I know the exact date I got pregnant on. I knew the exact date I got pregnant with my son too. Except in this case, I’m not letting anyone bully me into getting married. I will not trap another person into a marriage they are not ready for. BG is already talking about doing the right thing and making things permanant. I told him no. He doesn’t even love me yet. He likes me a whole bunch and lusts after me pretty good, but “I can learn to love you” is not good enough for me. Even in this situation. I told DM about it, and he didn’t take it well. He tried to be light and supportive about this, even went so far as to joke about challenging BG to a Pon-Farr duel like in Star Trek, between Spock and Cpt. Kirk.

I just smiled, but I could hear how much this hurts him. And I feel bad for hurting him, but then the rational part of my brain sets in and says, “Yeah, but he broke up with you and then disappeared for two months, only to come back later and say he needs you. If he hadn’t of left, BG probably wouldn’t have stood a chance of you talking to him”.

But BG did talk to me, and we do get along. I’m taking things one day at a time now. BG offered to quit his last year of school for his masters and come be with me during this pregnancy. A sweet offer but I told him, it’s his last year, he needs that degree and if he screws it up I’ll skin him alive. He then countered about being there to help and not leaving me alone. And I had to point out I’m not alone. I have my two kids, who btw are debating what would be better, a sister or brother. I have my church who will rally around me, because they are awesome people, and I have my friends who since finding out yesturday have also rallied around me to support me.

I am far from alone…now, if I can only not screw up what to responsibly do in relation to my children. *sigh*

This entry was posted on Friday, September 24th, 2004 at 10:09 am and is filed under Family, Life. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.