Yes, I’m whining…go away.
Why is it that I have to be sad all the time? What is the reason I need to walk through layers and layers of pain? Now, when I screw up and sadness comes from it, that’s one thing. But there is much that has come my way that I didn’t ask for, didn’t deserve and I still have to wade through it. And while I have some good friends in far off places, I’m alone as I deal with most of these things.
I watch the people around me and see the choices they make, and watch what happens to them. Some cause real happiness, and some is shallow temporary happiness. And then there are those selfish things that look like it’s making them happy, but the price for it is ultimately too high for them to pay.
I’m not really jealous of others. In our own ways we all have to wade through these nightmares. And you can never really know what pain another has had to go through to be where they are. But darnit, I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of feeling alone and being forced to just wait. Because in my situation, I have to wait. I can’t force decisions on others, even though those decisions affect me pretty closely. They are still the choices of others.
I learned years ago the value of patience. That things, if given the time to go where they will, will eventually right themselves. However, that doesn’t mean it’s easy to have patience. I spend too many nights crying myself to sleep. And I have been doing this for the last two years. I think I’ve cried more in the last two years then I had in the first five of my marriage, and those were NOT good years. (And no Greyduck, this is not a dig at you, so relax)
I’ve learned alot of things, and I’ve got many more things to learn, because I’m still making stupid choices. But as I go through my day, dealing with stuff that comes, I feel weary. I don’t have a real shoulder to cry on, despite the wonderful help of some good people, without whom I probably would have snapped months ago. But as wonderful as they are…they aren’t what I really need. But as I look at what has to happen over the next couple of years…even as far ahead as the next six years, I see just more struggle and sorrow for awhile.
Do I blame anyone? no….there’s no one to blame…life is what it is. We live it and it teaches us. I’ve really been alone for a very long time. I’ve had the semblance of support, but it wasn’t real. I know that now. And I know I’m strong enough to deal with these things that I have to. But it would sure be nice to have a partner in this. Someone I don’t have to watch what I say, or be brave for. Someone I can relax with because I know they are working for the same things I am and we can work together. But I’ve really short changed myself in this. My most recent stupid decision has made finding that person very difficult now. I swear…if life isn’t handing me lemons, I’m screwing myself over instead. Yes, things could be soooo much worse then they are. I have many blessings, I know this. But it doesn’t stop how I feel.
I know that if I rely on my Heavenly Parents, and follow their counsel, ultimately, I’ll have what I need. I recognize where my choices make things more difficult. I just wish, that this morning, I could feel a sliver of that hope I know deep down inside me.
