So far it’s been an interesting week. I’m still happily not nauseous. We had BG drop by on Monday for a visit. It went well. I’ve been feeling ambivilent about the whole situation lately. I know I’m mad at myself and angry that I have lost so many choices, and it’s just going to take time to be able to look at everyone normally again. The kids had a good time though, he bought dinner and we all cooked it together…well, E helped, much to her own disgust over slimy chicken. *chuckles* I really have a hard time letting someone else cook in my kitchen. I need to get over that.

Then we went and delivered halloween cupcakes we made to some members in the ward. My ward has this halloween tradition where we deliver mysterious treats anonymously. It’s a domino’s affect starting a few and taking off. I have no idea who started it, but we’ve been doing this in my ward for 7 or so years.

I haven’t heard from DM about whether he is visiting me this month or not. He said he was, but his vacation was to take the last two weeks of this month and I’ve heard no word when to expect him. I will not be the only one he’s visiting. So I’ll only have a couple of days to meet him. I’m starting to think he may be rethinking visiting me. With everything going on, meeting for real may not be a wise move in the long run. There’s a part of me that knows it’s better not to, but then there is a part of me that doesn’t care. I’ve loved him for a long time, and even if all we can be is friends now, I want to meet him. There’s even a dream I keep having that if he’ll just hug me, everything will be okay. It’s irrational I know. And really, I do get the symbolism of the dream. I also have my loss dreams again, that I used to have when I first married. They are a sign of the deep insecurity I feel in my situation.

It’s probably not fair, but in a small way, he’s come to represent freedom in my head, and I certainly feel trapped by my situation. But there are also things I now need that at this time DM is not capable of giving me. So this irrational part of myself just adds to the misery of my decisions. It doesn’t help when BG makes stupid dumb statements about how he’s stuck with me. He doesn’t mean to be a butthead, but he’s going through hell also. And his situation is about to get worse for awhile. And I really don’t know how he’s going to handle it. All things considered, my life is still in good shape.

I still feel the overwhelming need to wait. Make no rush decisions. I get the feeling that there are decisions still to be made by others that are affected by this that need to happen before I can really act. It’ll be interesting to see what happens in the long run. I talked to my Bishop again about all this. And he let me know what he feels prompted to do to help the situation. I really like talking to him. Whether it’s him or inspiration doesn’t matter to me. His advice is insightful, honest and really clarifies what the real issues are. He helps me to weed through all the BS I deal with. And he does all of this without telling me what to do. Just talks with me in such a common sense way that it’s as if I have known this all along but wasn’t paying attention. I have however been released from my calling as the choir director. When your fixing major issues in ones repentance process, serving in callings is not allowed. Sort of like being grounded…..although it may be a lousy example.

This Thursday and Friday E and I get to go to her 5th grade science camp overnighter. I’m going as a chaperone. I’m really glad the nausea went away. I was worried about how I would handle fighting it in the woods. Now it’s not even an issue. *Woohoo*

This entry was posted on Wednesday, October 13th, 2004 at 1:49 pm and is filed under Family, Life. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.