It’s 2am. My daughter came and got in bed with me at midnight because she couldn’t sleep. She does that alot lately. I just seem to keep losing more and more sleep. I’ve spent a good part of the last two hours just crying. Some people would call it “pregnancy hormones” but I know that’s not it. I’m not worried over stupid stuff like how big my waist is getting or that it’s harder to tie my shoes. No…my worries are much bigger.

The problem with being awake at night is that you have no one to distract you. All you have facing you are the doubts, fears, and worries that consume you. And what may be worse, is realizing that you trust no one to take these fears to. All you can do is print out that your overwhelmed and lonely and terrified on a stupid program.

I can hear the advice now….”you should go talk to someone” But paying 60 bucks/hr. that I don’t have to hear all the trite phrases I can get from everyone isn’t going to help these worries.

I’m tired of hurting. I’ve said that alot in these last two years. But I keep making the same stupid mistakes over and over again and putting myself in the same stupid situations. At least I now know why I did that. Doesn’t make it any better, but at least I know why.

The one thing I’ve wanted my entire life…the one thing I need the most, is the one thing I keep screwing up. And I screw it up because it’s such a desperate desire of my heart that I’ve accepted it’s illusion in the past. Which of course just makes me more unhappy. Realizing those you care for are just using you is always a let down.

My daughter is having depression issues at school. Major ones. And just as I’m looking into how to afford paying for a very much needed counselor for her, one gets dropped into my lap for free, thanks to Portland Impact. My daughter is thrilled with the idea of having a nuetral person to talk to. I certainly don’t blame her.

Oh well, things have a way of working out. They always do. I just have to suck it up until it does.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, February 1st, 2005 at 2:22 am and is filed under Family, Life, Stupid Stuff. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.