2AM reflections
Probably no one should ever be typing at 2am. I think the night is the worst for personal reflections. But here i am, sitting here, can’t sleep, feeling confused, yet resigned to the choices I’ve made.
I’ve got my 7th month doc appt. tomorrow and I go with some excitement, but also some trepidation. Count down has begun and I offically have 8 weeks left tonight. I have to remember to bring my list of concerns and whatnots that I want to make sure are remembered, or at least on the files so my requests have some validity, or something like that. My biggest issue will be the epidural. My first epidural was wonderful. Beautifully executed and I had all muscles control. My second epidural was a nightmare.
I’m sure there’s an account of my experinece on here somewhere.
Chuckles….why not…I tell everything else on here don’t I?
I think the hardest thing however, has been going through this pregnancy basically alone. My kids try to pretend it’s not happening. While A is fine with being a big brother once again, he IS hoping its a boy, E wishes this wasn’t happening at all. She often wishes loudly that it was just her and A and I like before. I can’t blame her, but it is difficult on me. While I prepare for this child, I wonder if I’m doing the right thing by keeping it.
BG pretty much doesn’t think about it, either, I think. His life is complicated enough, and he struggles with his last year of school, which isn’t going well because he’s also battling depression. I personally think the combination of being alone and away from family, having to deal with me, the baby and all that brought about, and his struggles with school have left him feeling adrift. He still is dating…with my full support. I’ve told him over and over again that I don’t want anyone who is busy looking over his shoulder. He didn’t ask for all this…nor am I willing to completely repeat the last 13 years all over again.
I just wish I didn’t care so much so that this didn’t hurt so much. I must be a true glutton for punishment. I once again care about someone who is looking elsewhere. Hmmmm….four men in two years…all with the same stupid problems. I find myself feeling disgusted at myself and frankly, done with all this romance crap. As much as I desperately desire to have a partner in my life, I’m tired of finding the same type of person all the time. Who needs this kind of punishment?
I had a conversation with someone the other day who was grilling me about my life. She’s known me about six months or so and I guess decided to appease her curiousity about my life. It was both amusing and disturbing. Amusing, because as I answered her many questions, her eyes just kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger. She’s very funny and had me laughing, but her reactions to what my life is was also disturbing. For the most part, I can deal with my life. It is what it is and I get through each day because I do. As if I had any other choice right? But it’s not until you see your life from the perspective of a stranger are you reminded of how your life must look to them. And to judge from her reaction, my life is not really a happy one. I must admit that I try to find the humor that comes each day and I don’t dwell, too often anyway, upon the sadness. But, I guess I don’t smile very often, because when people see me laughing or smiling, they make a special mention of it. It’s like after the valentine’s dance, when people who were there mention how it was nice to finally see me smile. That kind of comment brings you up short.
And now I’m coming up on a delivery day and I’m not even sure if BG will decide to be there. He doesn’t even know. Mind you, he’s five hours away and may have a valid reason for not being able to make it. But, instead of saying, “I want to be there if I can”, I get, “I don’t know if I will come”. That alone probably says it all.
And on top of everything, I’m learning more about the state of the DJ business that I want to take over. My boss has been neglecting things for a year. When he said he was burned out…he wasn’t kidding. Mind you, I’ve got two people threatening to sue him in small claims court because he hasn’t paid them the refund that HE told them he would pay them. That’s not okay. My Corporate boss gave me the low down on what they need to see from me before they will be comfortable in letting me take the franchise. It’s not as bad as I feared. I do need to raise 7500 dollars, but I’ve got till June to get it. They just want to make sure I have a comfortable cushion to handle any expenses that may crop up as I take over. That way I’m not declaring bankruptsy in a year. I am all for that. I’m hoping that a couple of family members who have offered to help if I need it will come through for me. I’m also supposed to be earning part of the profits from all this work I’m doing now that I’m handling the office work. So, hopefully, I can put that towards the amount I need. I know that when Jerry took over the franchise it was earning around 80K a year in profits, so with some solid work, I think I can turn things around. I do have a good number of events booked already for the year and I am booking about five events a week so far. Mostly people who saw us at the bridal show.
But the telling thing in all of this…the thing that worries me most, is not the business. That I think I can handle. And not the coming baby, because I know I can handle that. The part that worries me the most, is if I can be strong enough to put romance on the shelf for awhile. The movie Charly has a great line where she says, “Life is too short and too hard to not feel safe with the one you love.” And I realize as I look around me that there is no one I feel safe with. Not a soul. I love many people…but I trust none.
I’ve been at this now for an hour and a half. It’s now 3:25AM. I’m still not tired and I have to be at a docs appointment in less then six hours. As I get ready to hit the Update button I can only cringe at how long this post will look. So for those of you who toughed it out and slogged through my early morning ramblings and typos…what’s wrong with you? (just kidding)
*chuckles*
