You know, I call this website “Tales of the overwhelmed”. And it really does seem like I spend so much of my day overwhelmed. But I also have a lot of quiet time. And maybe that is what leads me to really feel I’m overwhelmed. When your busy, you don’t notice what is either lacking in your life or what needs to happen. When your left to your own devices, all one has time for is to think.

I’m tired of thinking.

My life is moving. I have seven weeks left of this pregnancy. And I’m not ready. I’m working to learn how to work the DJ business as I also try to meet the requirements that the Corporate offices require of me in order for them to give me the franchise. I have a whole lot to still learn. I’m making progress, but I still feel like a fish out of water. I sometimes wonder what I’ve gotton myself into and if I’m up to the challenge. A new life and a new business.

Am I up to this?

Whether I am or not, I can’t give up. I have too much at stake. It’s becoming increasingly clear that things with BG is breaking down. He’s trying for a new position at work and I’m hoping he gets it. It’s right up his alley and would suit his needs to a tee. He’s also dating. Not too many dates go beyond first dates for him, but there are a few. It hurts knowing he’s dating, but it hurt a lot worse when my husband told me he needed his girlfriends. I will not put myself into that position again, at least not willingly. I don’t want anyone who doesn’t want to be here and is committed to being here. I just wish it didn’t hurt so much knowing that no one wants to be here.

I have a couple people tell me to “not give up”. But I’m tired of it. I have three children and their two dads to support relationships with. A new business to try an aquire. And the thought of bringing someone new into this…..seems…ludicrous.

oh, and to really top off my week, I’ve got DM making overtures to talk to me again. I think I really will have a friend of mine go over and beat him up. He came back with a story about his ex-wife trying to reconcile and then a psycho girlfriend who tried to trap him with a false pregnancy. I told him in no uncertain terms what I thought of how he’s treated me and he’s making the lame exuses of “proving himself to me”. And while I enjoy his dry humor, I feel a major sense of “so what”. He’s jerked me around since June and I don’t care if he does claim “I help him feel sane about life”, I’m sick and tired of being there to help these men who need a stable heart while they heal and look elsewhere. I realize I have a mother nature type personality, but give me a break!! How is it that every guy I meet is one of these troubled souls needing healing? And how come I don’t get to meet the guy who heals my heart? Instead, I’m left feeling like I’m never good enough.

I have had a hard time keeping this journal up because right now my deepest desires are slowly being put on the shelf. I don’t want to reveal them. Despite what you read here, it’s only surface stuff I can tell anyone. And I don’t do enough geek stuff online to have snappy posts about whatever wacky thing I find.

Who knows, maybe these posts are my way of screaming at the universe to send me someone to be with me. But I’m not really that desperate either. I won’t settle for just anyone who shows up. Despite what I’ve done the last two years. I’m glad I’m getting my head back on my shoulders. I was spiraling pretty hard there for awhile.

Well, I get to look forward to a month of babysitting before I call that quits so I can have my baby. This little one is VERY active and spends most of it’s time beating my insides up. I’m glad I’m close to being done, I’m ready to have my body back. This baby sits so low. Greyduck finally fixed my computer and helped me assemble my new desk. So now I’m all professional and stuff.

I hope this next week is better.

This entry was posted on Monday, March 28th, 2005 at 11:26 pm and is filed under Life. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.