Dave Berry Test
I sent this fun little “Guy” Quiz to a good friend of mine. I send him all sorts of fun stuff to laugh about during his day. He decided to reply to the test and his answers cracked me up that I just had to share.
Are You a Real Guy?
Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
a. Present it to the president of the United States.
b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart.
I would give it to the President of the United States. Knowing full well that the UN would not put it into good use. Although I voted for the President…. I have the slight fear that he might take it apart himself.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
a. Innocence.
b. Idealism.
c. Cherry bombs.
Only the innocent believe that the ideal explosive device is the Cherry Bomb…. (thinks of something much much bigger)
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.
We men have a competitive drive to help our businesses succeed. We are all Sportsman and know full well that if a kiss is exchanged then you are in the crosshairs for being off’d. Except that one night… with Ru Paul…. It was dark… I didn’t know. Can you believe that the Jets went for draw play on 3rd and 17?
4. What about hugging another male?
a. If he’s your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
b. If you’re performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: “I am just dislodging food trapped in this male’s trachea! I am not in any way aroused!”)
c. If you’re a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that (1) He is legally within the base path, (2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.
When dislodging food. You must also immediately follow by talking sports and punching him in the arm. you must now say to the victim that he now owe you big time, and you will collect at a later time.
5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to…
a. …remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
b. ..reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
c. …tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer’s disease and cancer.
A funeral is a good time to remember the deceased and console his loved ones. Focusing particular attention (since your unattached) on the eligible female loved ones.
6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
a. A cat.
b. A dog.
c. A dog that eats cats.
Any Animal that can remember to flush, and change the toilet paper roll.
7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She’s attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy— you’re watching a football game; she’s reading the papers—when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she’s not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don’t want to rush it.
b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you’ll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don’t want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.
You must shove an entire Twix Candy Bar into your mouth… Because you “Need a Moment”. Then you may say, that you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don’t want to rush it. Remind her of the disaster when the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.
8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her-sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
c. Tell her what?
You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her. You also take this opportunity to inform her that most of the trials and tragedies will be your fault… But Let her know that you do indeed love her. Use your best puppy dog eyes.
9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
a. “Do they need to eat or anything?”
b. “They’re in school already?”
c. “There are three of them?”
Tell your wife that she didn’t use the “Magic” word. Then spend rest of day phoning all your buddies and those that “Owe you one” (choking guy comes to mind) asking if they have room on their sofa.
10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you’re not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody—and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife—is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.
It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. This also applies to outdated TV Guides and old copies of Muscle Car magazine. You strain to remember the old parted Camaro that you swear you parked in the garage….
11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
a. He was being tested.
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
c. He refused to ask directions.
Moses like any “Man” refused to ask directions. Men are above that. All important things in life will eventually find us. He refused to acknowledge the fact that they were “wandering”. He would respond with the standard “Not far now.” When posed with the question “Are We There Yet Papa Smurf?”
12. What is the human race’s single greatest achievement?
a. Democracy.
b. Religion.
c. Remote control.
None of the above. Mans greatest achievement is the Mini Cooper!
