Yearning
Been up all night and now I’m getting everything ready before I wake the kids for church. The sun is just starting to light the sky. Its peaceful. I can see Mt. Tabor this morning, dark with the rising sun behind it. Reminds me of early mornings at work when I can see the sun rising behind Mt. Hood.
I’m feeling fanciful this morning, and lonely. Well, maybe not lonely, per se, but feeling alone would probably describe it better.
I yearn for magic in my life. Something that makes me feel light and special. I want to feel like that sun rising over the mountains.
People like to tell you that you have to make your own magic, and in many cases that is true, but then there is the flip side when you know a piece of you is incomplete. And you cannot complete that missing piece alone. My reading choices the last few weeks certainly has not helped in this regard. All the self psycho babble from those hurt by life and not wanting to rely or partner with anyone will tell you that it means something is wrong with you. Its only wrong if you let it cripple you. One still has to get up and get the kids fed and off to school. Have to make sure to get the job done and try and do chores.
The sun is almost over the horizon. The sky is pale gold, everything seems black but with that pale promise of color.
I really don’t think I’ve made much progress in five years. Or maybe its just that this yearning has never gone away. I at least know what drives this desire. Which helps me from making more stupid mistakes. Tadpole, while precious, is a result of stupid mistakes. The desire is good. Feeling desperate is not. Doing stupid things in an effort to fill that desperation is also not good. But we’re aware of it, so we’re on guard. And while it is temping to fall back on old habits, old choices, we’ve learned that they go no where. There is no happiness down that road.
The sun is almost up and color has returned to the world again. The sky is palest blue while the horizon is turning deep amber.
I’ve spent this last month in recovery. Summer was brutal on my body and my energy. September has proven to be nothing but unreasonable stress. Caused by my own inattention. We must make October more productive.
The sun peaks over the horizon and warms the earth with its touch. Streaks of light peek through the trees and buildings to play with the shadows.
I want to feel magic in my life again. Patience is clearly something I’m being made to practice. It almost feels unfair. I’ve been divorced longer then some of my friends have been divorced or widowed and they are already partnered again. Happily.
Maybe I’m more of a wreck of a human being then I realize. I get told I’m this great gal, but its hard to believe that. I’ve never been all that self confident in the first place. MY life experiences don’t really show anyone wanting to stay around. Makes me wonder what in the hell is wrong with me.
Being up all night contemplating how I yearn to not be alone doesn’t help ones introspective outlook. I can almost hear the responses I’d get and all I can say is shush.. your not helping.
At least some good has come out of the last three years. I’m not jumping into anyones arms on a whim. In fact, I’m pretty shmooze proof now. Which helps. But it does make things a little boring. Bad boys don’t get anywhere with me. 
