Divorce
Divorce is an interesting word.
It’s also a disease and it’s catching.
My mother has given my dad a week to pull a rediculous “rabbit” out of his hat to save their marriage. My mother, who has believed that my father has hated her for the entire length of their 30 year marriage, has told my father that he needs to come up with a way to make enough money to support her. And she has almost said how much that must be. My father who hasn’t held a real job since his cancer treatment has an oppurtunity to be a sub. teacher, but that won’t bring in enough money. He has to come up with something else. What it boils down to is that my mom wants a partner who can support her as she wants to be supported during her later years. My dad doesn’t have a very long life expectancy. He jokes, sort of, that it would just be easier if he could die first.
What kills me is that I saw how much my dad loved my mother all my life. Dad wasn’t perfect by any means, but he cared and did try, but since mom was convinced he hated her, it was never enough. So now mom, who is not a happy women and has more stress to deal with then people should have to handle is calling it quits.
What I find interesting is that my own marriage is not doing so well either. Our marriage has not been easy, we like to say we were forced willingly but I got pregnant and we got married. And it took five years for hubby to finally start treating me like he wanted to be with me. When I met him, he was NEVER getting married and NEVER having children. His childhood was not a happy one and he didn’t really want to continue the pain to his future kids. But in a way he never really got over that feeling. He has always chosen to be with people who are the complete opposite of his wife. Most of them live alternative lifestyles, and until recently supported wife insulting behind her back. So it really is not a surprise that he has finally concluded that he needs to live that lifestyle to be happy.
For myself, I have often been unhappy because I have a husband who doesn’t want to be part of my life. I’m religious and most of the people I know, while decent nonpushy people, are also members of my religion, so hubby has not EVER been comfortable around them. Not that I need him to be religious. I am not interested in forcing my beliefs on anyone. I’m involved in the kids’ school, he doesn’t want to be. And since I’m literally not allowed to be around his friends, our lives don’t connect much. However despite the occasional desire to run to the hills and make my life easier. There is not one single person I would rather be with. There is no one I’m comfortable around like I am with him. And for all the work and sweat and heartache and joy that is to be found in marriage, I don’t want to be married to anyone but him. No one can hold a candle, cannon or flag to what I feel for him. And I know he loves me. But love is not the issue. I had to draw a line on what I saw as acceptable behavior for a married couple. And now he has to make a choice, which choice it will be will depend on what sacrifices he sees as worth it.
The hubby and I have joined a local blog group here in Portland. I’m hoping this provides some outside activity that we can be involved in, since our lives don’t connect anywhere else outside of the house. We are also going to date each other again. Maybe if he can see us outside of the stresses of the home, maybe he can get a better picture of the life he’ll have with or without me. I don’t need him to make his choice right now, I want him to weigh all his concerns and needs. And I want him to be happy. While I cannot share my husband with other women, I will not hold him where he doesn’t want to be.
So why am I spilling my guts about my private life? Weeeelllll, it’s 1 in the morning, my husband is not home yet and I can’t sleep cause I’m worried and anxious about my future. What would you be doing?
