Do I have to be a grown up?
When I was in high school, I didn’t date much. The few dates I went on were with friends who at the time I didn’t know liked me. When I did find out, because they weren’t really boys I could be romantic with it would kill the friendship.And the guys I liked wanted cute cheerleader type girlfriends and I was just weird. And besides, back then I was the girl everyone knew would never sleep around and was getting married in the Temple, so I really didn’t date much. So when I was 17 years old I started thinking that I probably wouldn’t get married until I was in my thirties and then I’d probably have to settle. So I imagined myself either as a secretary or an actor living downtown, riding a moped. Yes, this is how I saw myself.
Then entered Karel into my life. And suddenly I found a someone who not only understood me but said that all my weirdness was ok. I was comfortable around him in a way that I have never found with anyone else. And unlike the other guys in my life he pursued me. That summer was really my favorite summer ever. And there are alot of wonderful things that Karel did for my personality and he gave me the courage to look at my beliefs and really define who and what I am.
And now it’s time to be a grown up and say goodbye to my best friend and lover. When we finally split I have a funny feeling that Karel will see the children all the time, but I really won’t be part of that picture. As this week has progressed I’m starting to realize just what I mean to him now. And it doesn’t help ones self-esteem any. And this whole stupid thing just kills me.
I got my GED scores and class schedule last night. I am in a class, I’ll be in school now three days a week and I’m going to need some babysitters. I forgot that I promised a friend that I would babysit her kids while she took summer classes, I thought my class would be at night at the time, no big deal. So now I’m going to have six kids here besides my own. Oh what a mess. They are lookiing for alternative babysitting, but it will take time.
So as I enter my thirties, birthday is next month, I’m losing the only person I have ever been comfortable around, I’m taking on so much responsiblity that I could just cry, and I feel so alone it hurts. I find it ironic that as a kid I thought I wouldn’t get married until my thirties and here I am ending my first marriage as I turn thirty. So I will be spending the next few years, at least, living without a man in my life. What a weird place life is.
There is a saying that it’s better to be alone for the right reasons then to not be alone for the wrong ones. Which applies to this situation and we both, Karel and I, know it. I hate this, I hate this, I hate this.
