More Musings
Well, it’s way to early in the morning, say 1am, and I’m up because I have to put my son’s church clothes in the dryer. I’ve only been back home from an event for maybe 40 minutes.
I had a pretty good time tonight. The couple (mid fifties or older) had gotten married two months previous and it took two months to schedule a time when their kids and various family members could come and celebrate.
I have to say that one would think I would be having a hard time with watching a couple start their life together as I’m watching mine fall apart. The interesting thing is, I’m not. I get extra weepy if I have to endure the ceremony, but the reception is so busy for me, that it’s no biggie.
I was pondering this very thing this evening, when I had a chance to think. I’m not going to get specific, I’ve hashed this stuff out before and it doesn’t need to be repeated. But several things did stand out for me.
The big one: I don’t regret my 11 year marriage. I would not be the person I am if it wasn’t for the last twelve years. And I like who I am. And I’m happy to have our two children. What I regret is that my husband has always felt the need to look for happiness elsewhere then with his wife.
Two: I’m relieved to be getting divorced. When I got pregnant I had to settle for less then I wanted with someone who was not ready for marriage and had no clue what marriage meant. Because of Karel’s choices I am no longer bound to find happiness with what I did have. I in essance have my freedom to look for a life that isn’t a consequence of selfish choices I made for stupid reasons. He also has the same freedom.
Three: I can let him go. I can let him find out for himself if the polyamory life he’s attracted to will bring him happiness. There is very little jealousy here. There is some, but what else are you going to feel after twelve years of loving someone?
Now four and five are just silly updates:
Four: I’m still at 210lbs. after three weeks of dropping the 20lbs. from not eating. I really need to get back to working out however or it may come back. But I’m making a conscience effort to not eat more then a serving of whatever when I do eat.
Five: My ring impression is still very visible and I still have the habit of playing with the ring finger. I keep grabbing my finger expecting to play with my ring. DUH!
So that is where I am at what, four weeks? Doing ok it seems to me. There are still days when I cry and get mad, but they are few and far between, I have to much to do.
I would also like to take the time to say a big Thank You to Charlie and Chris. Your e-mails were appreciated and it’s nice to know someone is reading this site.
